Soccer Tyler

My oldest is playing soccer now. She's been wanting to do this for over a year, ever since our visit to my parent's house last summer. My father had setup a stick in their yard and had an old volleyball that he had Tyler start kicking around the yard. She got pretty good at hitting the stick with it so we set up a goal for her to start kicking it into. He also had her kicking the ball up the hill in the back of the yard and then stopping it when it came back down.

Ever since then whenever she sees someone playing soccer she would get all excited. We ended up buying her a purple soccer ball for Christmas and she loved it! She now has a pink Disney Princess soccer ball (birthday present) and a pink and white one that she got when we bought her uniform.

She is playing this year in the Lincoln Youth Soccer league in the 5-6 age group. It is coed at this age. They do play with goalies but they do not keep score. For the most part the kids do not understand positions or offsides yet. Most of the time they can't even remember which way they are supposed to kick the ball. They are just excited to play. Alot of times one will get the ball and be so excited they just keep kicking it even once it is out of bounds. They spend alot of time getting up off the ground too. But they all have a blast and we parents have fun cheering them on!

Tyler is one of the shortest on the team, but also one of the fastest. When they run laps she is always at the head of the pack. She is actually pretty good and not afraid to get in the middle of things and get the ball, that is when she is paying attention and not playing with her hair!

We are really proud of her and enjoying watching the games! This may end up being something she decides to continue doing every year. We'll have to wait and see!

Pursuing Gifts of the Spirit

I'll give you fair warning now. God is working mightily in my life right now to teach me new things and to heal me. Part of this healing (a major part) is revealing truths to me so that I might know Him better. Writing is my way of organizing my thoughts so this blog will often times be my means of working through His Truths. If you choose to read this, you'll be coming along with me on my new and exciting journey.

My house church has decided to do a study on Spiritual Gifts. We are diving into the Scriptures ourselves as well as using some Bible Study texts that we've found. The first text we found is called What's so spiritual about your gifts by Henry & Mel Blackaby. I just started the first lesson today.

Here are a couple of items that have stopped me in my path and got me to pondering (and I've only read the first couple pages of this lesson!)

1. In the introduction to the workbook it reminds us that the Holy Scriptures are our textbook and the Holy Spirit is our teacher. Isn't that the way it should be with any Bible study we do? I don't think that is always the way we look at it though. I know I've not always done so in the past.

2. (Be ready, here's the big one for today!) ". . .Christians are seeking gifts of the Holy Spirit and not the Holy Spirit Himself." This is the answer given as one of the major reasons the church has so little impact today compared to the early Christian church. We want power but not the relationship that is required to obtain the power. Our focus and motives are all wrong.

I grew up attending a charismatic church and although I believe spiritual gifts are as relevant today as they were in the early church, I have been very skeptical about them. Part of this is the enemy's lies (see previous post) but I think I now see that part of this is because many times in the past when I've come into contact with manifestations of these gifts, they were not genuine. The person's motives were not pure and as a result the gifts were a way to draw attention to themselves instead of giving glory to God. The focus was self-centered versus God-centered.

There is a part of me that now questions my own motives in pursuing spiritual gifts. What is my focus? This is a fine line for me. On one hand I really need to ask this question. What is my intention in pursuing these gifts? The gifts themselves or am I truely pursuing God? This is a very legitimate question and I can honestly say my motives are often more self-centered than God-centered. However, given the way my mind operates I need to make sure I don't go too far the other way and question my motives to such an extent that I cannot be used of God (see previous post).

This is my lesson for the day. I will continue to puruse God and His gifts because that is what He wants. That is what I was created for! However, while doing so I need to continously ask myself the question and be ready to answer honestly, what is my purpose in doing so? What are my motives? Where is my focus centered, on me or on God? If I cannot honestly say my focus is on Jesus and my relationship with him, then I need to make some adjustments to get back on course. Am I so enamored with self that I have no idea what is on the heart of God?

"We must learn to understand there are no gifts apart from an intimate relationship with the Spirit."

"Many want the Spirit's power but not the Spirit's purity.

The Holy Spirit does not rent out His attributes.

His power is never separated from His glorious Self."

- James A. Stewart

Heaven's Throne Gift

Shame, Anger & Unforgiveness

Post prompted by what God is doing in my life currently and it happens to fit in with this week's Sunday Scribblings "I would never write. . ." Coincidence? (I don't believe in them)

Normally I avoid writing anything that would reveal the "ugly" side of me. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and a bit of a people pleaser to be perfectly honest. I understand nobody likes to show off their bad traits, so I'm really not any different than anyone else, but I feel God prompting me to write about what He has been revealing to me lately. In order to do that, I have to show you my "ugly" side. My dark side if you will.

Don't get too excited, I'm not opening the closet wide enough for you to walk in and fully explore the skeletons inside. Just a peek. Some things will just stay between me and God.

I've always believed in a spiritual world that is playing out all around us, but to which we are for the most part blind and deaf. However, the Lord has been revealing a bit more of this to me recently and showing me that whether we see or feel it, whether we want to admit it or not, we are all part of a spiritual battle. In a sense we are the center of it. On one side we are greatly loved (so much so that a life has been given for us) and on the other side we are just a pawn. A means to an end. It is funny how we so often choose the side that is just using us.

However, I've always thought of this struggle in the spiritual world and also within us, to be a power struggle. I've come to realize it is really a truth struggle. (Read The Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson for more on this) You see, it is only a power struggle when two opposing sides are fighting to determine who is stronger, who is going to win. However, in this case the battle is already won. Jesus is the victor.

Even though Satan has been thoroughly defeated though, he is determined to take down as many as possible when he falls. Because of this he does everything in his power to deceive us into thinking the battle is not already won. That he is on the winning side or that we must do something to determine the winner. This is what we are struggling with in our lives. We can not win this war and we do not have to because it is already done. As a Christian, Satan does not really have any power over us. He just doesn't want us to know that!

I've prayed in the past that the Lord give me strength to resist temptations and the devil. While this is a good prayer (He is strong in our weakness) I've started to change my prayers. They are now that the Lord reveals the lies of the devil to me. To shine his holy light on the lies Satan tries to feed me everyday so I can know the Truth.

You see, I have voices in my head. Not "crazy" voices. It is actually my voice, but it is a destructive voice. It is the voice that tells me although God does love me I am not worthy yet to be used by him. I'm not good enough, I don't pray enough, I don't read my Bible enough. The voice that puts me down all the time and tells me my life is a lie. That I don't really love God and my motives are impure. The voice that tells me everyone else can see through my mask and knows I'm not truely God's child.

Although this is my voice I'm hearing it is not of God. It is of Satan. God is working to heal me right now and to reveal these lies to me for what they are. The devil tells me these things to hinder my effectiveness for God.

During this process God is not only revealing the lies being whispered to me by the evil one, but He is also revealing things in my life that I've not been willing to face. These are the things that are keeping me from identifying the lies of the evil one. That is where the shame and anger comes in. I've had people in my life hurt me, we all have. But God is revealing to me that I've bottled this anger up and worse yet, held onto it for dear life. I've continued to feed it over the years. It is called unforgiveness. It does not hurt the person who hurt you. It just hurts you more. It keeps me from living my life fully as God intended.

I wish I could say God revealed this to me, I said a prayer and it is gone. No more pent up anger and shame due to unforgiveness in my life. Nope, it is a process. Everyday I ask God to help me, to reveal these things to me. Everyday He does and for the most part things get easier. I have some days I catch myself holding on though, it gives me some perverse pleasure to wallow in the anger. But those days are fewer and farther between now.

The key I'm realizing is to ask God to reveal His Truth in my life, be open to those Truths and embrace them. I must believe, embrace and live the Truth one day at a time.

I recently had someone speak prophecy over me. Of all the encouraging words she gave me, one was that God was going to restore the lost years. Originally I thought she was referring to the eight years just after high school when I turned my back on God. But now I am realizing she is meaning all this time that I've been an ineffective Christian, because I was believing the lies of the enemy and wallowing in self pity, shame and pent up anger. The Lord is revealing his Truth to me and restoring those lost years so I can become the person He intends me to be. One day at a time.

Begining to Let Go

Today I started the first step in letting go. My eldest child (my only daughter) started kindergarten. She was excited and I was excited for her, however I did not think it would be all that emotional for me.

On the first day the teacher wanted one parent to stay in the classroom for the first hour. Shaun stayed home with the boys and I took Tyler to her first day of school. As I watched her interact with the other kids and her teacher I felt that motherly pride swell my heart. No surprise there. But then all of a sudden another feeling surfaced. Quite rapidly, too! One minute I was standing there watching her answer one of the teacher's questions and the next my eyes started to well up. Mom actually almost lost it!



But I pulled myself together and finished up my hour. She is so excited and having lots of fun. Mom & Dad are very proud. My first baby is growing up!