Loneliness & Conversations with God

Yesterday morning I had a conversation with God.  A dear friend of my posted yesterday about healing.  She spoke of those of us who struggle with weight gain due to eating in times of stress etc.  She spoke of how things in our past have created bad habits in us and many times the reason why our failure to lose weight is because we are not addressing the root problem.  She spoke of how she has realized loneliness in her past had started bad habits for her regarding eating.

I've struggled for awhile now with my eating habits.  We ate very healthy growing up.  We grew our own vegtables and most of our meat even came from our own efforts rather than from the store.  I ate very little junk food or sugar growing up.  But I do remember sneaking sweets whenever I could and sometimes gorging myself if I had the chance until I was physically sick.  As an adult I've realized that I eat without even realizing I'm doing it at times. 

As I read my friend's post yesterday and she mentioned loneliness, it struck a chord.  I've always had self-esteem issues.  I've had many friends off and on in my life, but never really had any deep relationships with anyone, until recently.  And even now I don't have any of those deep relationships which I so desire.  I want to be myself with others and really let them get to know me, but I have a fear that if I do I will be judged.  So even when I'm transparent with others, there is still something that I'm holding back.  Parts of me I'm not revealing, not because I'm a private person, but out of fear.

Even my posts on my blogs are reserved compared to what I'd like to post.  I want to be transparent and let the Lord use my words to help others.  But I have probably 5 times the number of posts in my head than what ends up on here.  The reason for not posting?  Fear.  Fear of what others will think and the loneliness that will follow as others pull away from me.

As I sat getting ready for my day yesterday, pondering this I began to talk to the Lord.

Me:  God, why did you make me this way?  I have so many weaknesses that I just can't seem to get past.  I want to follow you, to love you and give you my entire life.  However, these weaknesses hinder me.  I could do so much more for you, be so much more productive if you had just created me with more strength, more confidence.  If you had not given me these weaknesses, or allowed them to develop in my life I could accomplish so much for Your Glory.

God's still small voice:  Angela, beloved, in your weaknesses, my Strength shines all the brighter.

Me: But Lord, I can't make these changes on my own.  I've tried and I just keep failing.  I need you to transform me.  I'm so lonely, even surrounded by so many people in my life.  I need you to change me, to comfort me, to drive out this loneliness.  To help me get past all these insecurities in my life that hold me back.

God's still small voice: That's what I've been waiting for, my child.  That is all you ever had to do, just to ask me instead of striving yourself.  Be still, rest in Me.  That is all you need to do.  Focus on my love for you, your identify is in Me.  I will take care of the rest.

Gazing on His Beauty

Awhile back I had the desire to study the life of David. Specifically his heart, since he is described by God Himself as being a man after God's own heart.  The more I journey down this path with the Lord the more I desire to have that type of relationship with Him.

As I read about David and his relationship with God, I realize the key to having a heart after God's is to understand God's Heart.  The more I understand how passionately He loves me, even in the midst of all the "junk" in my life - the more I will begin to love Him.  The more I will desire to spend time in His presence and to follow Him.

For too long I've allowed my perfectionist tendencies to drive me to try to be righteous and holy.  The problem with this is I am focuing on myself instead of Christ.  I've focused on being a "good" christian for so long and when I've stumbled I've focused on how much of a failure I was because of it.  I've heard for so long how I need to focus on Jesus and not myself, that God loves me no matter what.  But it was not until this last week that this finally clicked for me!  I've been preaching this concept to others but without realizing it I was not living it myself.  I was still focusing on my failures and running from God when I failed instead of running to Him.  I was still focused on my efforts to be "good" for God, trying to earn His love.  A love that is greater than I can even begin to imagine and which is already wholly mine - no strings attached!

Now, instead of expending so much energy on being a "good" christian I want to spend my efforts gazing upon God, understanding His emotions and His love.  The rest will happen naturally as I fall more and more in love with this amazing, awesome God who loves me.

Remember your first love?  The giddy feelings?  How you wanted to know as much as possible about the person and could not stop thinking about them.  How your heart would flutter everytime you saw them.   Remember how when they expressed their love for you, it would increase your love towards them?  Our relationship with God is to be like this, but soo much more.  And more permanent.  It is not a fleeting feeling that fades after a few months when we get to know each other.  There is always more to learn about God and His love for us.  There is always something new to inspire us.

That is how I've been feeling lately.  I've been giddy with excitement for no apparent reason.  I'm excited to spend time in His Word, praying, worshiping and just sitting in His Presence.  I crave it and run after it.  I want more! 

Do you feel that way about your Lord and Savior?  If not, ask Him to begin to reveal His heart to you.  Ask Him to show you His beauty and to give you understanding of how great is His love for you.  How passionately He pursues and woos you.  Ask Him to give you more understanding of Psalm 27, to truly place this desire deep within your heart.

Psalm 27:4
One thing I ask of the Lord; this is what I seek:  that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple.

One book I'm reading right now that I recommend to anyone who wants to take this journey is "After His Own Heart" by Mike Bickle.  I leave you now with a quote from this book:

"The heart of God is a wonderland, a universe of beauty like no place mankind could dream up.  All beauty on earth is merely a reflection of Him..."

Finding Yourself

"Finding yourself" or understanding who you really are will never come from examining yourself.  Looking within yourself, looking at your heart, your surroundings or those you know will not bring true self-understanding or true purpose to your life.

Our identity flows from Him, His heart.  The only way to truly find yourself is to find Him.  Understand Him and His heart and you will truly find yourself! 

Instead of focusing on trying to "find yourself", focus your energies on understanding our God and His heart and He will reveal who you truly are and your purpose.

Jesus = Passionate Bridegroom
Me/You = Cherished Bride

"Intimacy with God is not just an option, but it is the very essence of true Christianity."  ~ Mike Bickle