Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Loneliness & Conversations with God

Yesterday morning I had a conversation with God.  A dear friend of my posted yesterday about healing.  She spoke of those of us who struggle with weight gain due to eating in times of stress etc.  She spoke of how things in our past have created bad habits in us and many times the reason why our failure to lose weight is because we are not addressing the root problem.  She spoke of how she has realized loneliness in her past had started bad habits for her regarding eating.

I've struggled for awhile now with my eating habits.  We ate very healthy growing up.  We grew our own vegtables and most of our meat even came from our own efforts rather than from the store.  I ate very little junk food or sugar growing up.  But I do remember sneaking sweets whenever I could and sometimes gorging myself if I had the chance until I was physically sick.  As an adult I've realized that I eat without even realizing I'm doing it at times. 

As I read my friend's post yesterday and she mentioned loneliness, it struck a chord.  I've always had self-esteem issues.  I've had many friends off and on in my life, but never really had any deep relationships with anyone, until recently.  And even now I don't have any of those deep relationships which I so desire.  I want to be myself with others and really let them get to know me, but I have a fear that if I do I will be judged.  So even when I'm transparent with others, there is still something that I'm holding back.  Parts of me I'm not revealing, not because I'm a private person, but out of fear.

Even my posts on my blogs are reserved compared to what I'd like to post.  I want to be transparent and let the Lord use my words to help others.  But I have probably 5 times the number of posts in my head than what ends up on here.  The reason for not posting?  Fear.  Fear of what others will think and the loneliness that will follow as others pull away from me.

As I sat getting ready for my day yesterday, pondering this I began to talk to the Lord.

Me:  God, why did you make me this way?  I have so many weaknesses that I just can't seem to get past.  I want to follow you, to love you and give you my entire life.  However, these weaknesses hinder me.  I could do so much more for you, be so much more productive if you had just created me with more strength, more confidence.  If you had not given me these weaknesses, or allowed them to develop in my life I could accomplish so much for Your Glory.

God's still small voice:  Angela, beloved, in your weaknesses, my Strength shines all the brighter.

Me: But Lord, I can't make these changes on my own.  I've tried and I just keep failing.  I need you to transform me.  I'm so lonely, even surrounded by so many people in my life.  I need you to change me, to comfort me, to drive out this loneliness.  To help me get past all these insecurities in my life that hold me back.

God's still small voice: That's what I've been waiting for, my child.  That is all you ever had to do, just to ask me instead of striving yourself.  Be still, rest in Me.  That is all you need to do.  Focus on my love for you, your identify is in Me.  I will take care of the rest.

1 comment:

Lynn said...

Oh Angela,

I have tears in my eyes. I think I have had this very conversation with the Lord. You and I are so much alike....

I get you... I know you and it makes me love you all the more..

Our loneliness will only end when we surrender to our Jesus. That is what my journey is all about. Perhaps yours as well.

I wish I was there with you now. We would hug, cry and pray and then laugh and love. Hugging you girl. God has so many moments and triumphs ahead for you in 2010. It is a privilege to watch Him use you and to pray for you Hugs.