Sometimes I wonder if I'm weird. Now I know we are all weird in our own ways, but sometimes I think I might be more so than others. But I do think it is a family thing, because I truly believe I'm one of the least weird in my family. Growing up I had tons of family around me. Seriously, I grew up in the house next door to the house my dad grew up in. And on the other side of that house was where my great grandparents lived! And that is just the beginning of it! It was like Everybody Loves Raymond blown up about 10 times at a hick level (I was a country girl, no doubt about that!)
Anyway, I digress from my point. I have conversations in my head. Not just the ones were you replay a conversation you had in your head and in this version you come up with all the witty comebacks that you missed when the conversation really happened. And not just the conversations you may have in your head in anticipation of an upcoming conversation. Or even the conversations you have in your head that are ones you want to have with someone, but will probably never have the guts to initiate. I do have all of these at times, but that is not the predominate conversations going on in my head.
The conversations that play over and over in my head are ones between two different people, I'm not part of them. In fact, I'm not even in the vicinity of these conversations. It is like I've become a fly on the wall or these were secretly taped and I'm now watching them. The people having the conversations are always different, but the subject is always the same. . . (Warning: here comes the part were I am very transparent and show an ugly side of me!)
. . .the topic is always ME. I've not really shared this with anyone before, it is kind of embarrasing and makes me realize how vain and insecure I can be at times. It is something I'm trying to change in my life, but have once again realized only God can give me the strength. I realize this all comes about b/c of insecurities that I have.
Here is how the scenario plays out:
I'm in a situation somewhere with others. I say or do something and later when I'm alone I start thinking "Angela, that was stupid! Why in the world did you say/do that!" I start second guessing myself and this fear of what others thinks of me bubbles up and often overflows. I'm left an insecure mess and that is when the conversations start. In my head I hear two individuals (or more) start talking about me and one of them always comes to my rescue and starts sticking up for me.
But you know what? I've realized this is an issue for two reasons.
1. I fear man more than I fear the Lord. I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks of me, what I do or what I say. All that really matters is if I'm following the Lord. If I am working on my relationship with Him then I'll start walking with Him. That is what matters. It will offend some people when I start to do this, but I have to ask myself - who matters the most? God does!
2. I'm looking for others to fight my battles, to stand up for me, to defend me. This is wrong. I can't put that pressure on anyone else. It is not fair to them. And it is not their job. In fact, many times we should NOT defend ourselves. Jesus is an example of this. People spoke out about him falsely so many times and he did not worry about defending himself. Why? Because he knew he was walking with the Father and that any defending that may need to be done would be done by the Father. Done by the Father in His timing! I need that same attitude.
So - now I'm trying to change these things in my life. But not by my power, because I can only do this with God's help. I'm weak and I admit that. By God's grace and power these conversations are going to become real conversations between myself and my Saviour instead of fake conversations between two other people who are most likely not even thinking of me!
Why am I sharing all of this? Well, I'm not sure. Recently the Lord told me through a good friend that the way for me to work through some things I was dealing with was to write. So that is what I'm doing. I'm writing. If nobody reads these, then so be it. I'm obeying the Lord. If someone does read this and it helps them in some way, then Praise God!