Sunday Scribblings - "I don't want to be a passenger in my own life."

Written for Sunday Scribblings.

This week's prompt is to write about this quote:

"I don't want to be a passenger in my own life." (Diane Ackerman)

I've thought about this statement for quite a bit now and the more I do, the more I don't agree with it. You see, the problem is I've been trying to be the driver in my life for too long. I keep making wrong turns and getting lost. I try to turn on the navigation system and that helps a bit, but I still get lost. It is a little easier to find my way back out, but those maps are still error prone when my judgment is involved. Basically, I'm ready to finally surrender the driver's seat to someone else who knows the way and can get me there safely. Then I can sit back and enjoy the view.

Now you may be thinking, "She's lost it, totally gone bonkers on us. What is she talking about?"

Here it is. I'm a control freak and a bit of a perfectionist. Maybe that is why I went into Accounting and am successful in this profession. However, the problem is no matter how hard I try, I'm not perfect and I don't know the way. God does though. One of my favorite verses talks about God guiding us down the correct path if we turn away from it.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left , your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it." (Isaiah 30:21)

You see, I've tried driving myself in my life and it does not work. The navigation system is my use of God's Word and His Church to try to find my way. The problem is I'm still depending on myself and my knowledge to interpret the directions AND I'm still the one behind the wheel.

Unlike me when my poor husband is driving, God won't be a backseat driver. He'll let us go where we want and waits for us to look to Him for direction. But He would like it even more if we were to completely let go and surrender to Him. At that time He will lead our lives in His Will and we will see His Power and Glory working in us. That is what I want for my life.

I'm not guaranteed that the road will be smooth all the time with God driving, but I am guaranteed to get to my final destination safely! And what a ride on the way!

Shame, Anger & Unforgiveness

Post prompted by what God is doing in my life currently and it happens to fit in with this week's Sunday Scribblings "I would never write. . ." Coincidence? (I don't believe in them)

Normally I avoid writing anything that would reveal the "ugly" side of me. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and a bit of a people pleaser to be perfectly honest. I understand nobody likes to show off their bad traits, so I'm really not any different than anyone else, but I feel God prompting me to write about what He has been revealing to me lately. In order to do that, I have to show you my "ugly" side. My dark side if you will.

Don't get too excited, I'm not opening the closet wide enough for you to walk in and fully explore the skeletons inside. Just a peek. Some things will just stay between me and God.

I've always believed in a spiritual world that is playing out all around us, but to which we are for the most part blind and deaf. However, the Lord has been revealing a bit more of this to me recently and showing me that whether we see or feel it, whether we want to admit it or not, we are all part of a spiritual battle. In a sense we are the center of it. On one side we are greatly loved (so much so that a life has been given for us) and on the other side we are just a pawn. A means to an end. It is funny how we so often choose the side that is just using us.

However, I've always thought of this struggle in the spiritual world and also within us, to be a power struggle. I've come to realize it is really a truth struggle. (Read The Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson for more on this) You see, it is only a power struggle when two opposing sides are fighting to determine who is stronger, who is going to win. However, in this case the battle is already won. Jesus is the victor.

Even though Satan has been thoroughly defeated though, he is determined to take down as many as possible when he falls. Because of this he does everything in his power to deceive us into thinking the battle is not already won. That he is on the winning side or that we must do something to determine the winner. This is what we are struggling with in our lives. We can not win this war and we do not have to because it is already done. As a Christian, Satan does not really have any power over us. He just doesn't want us to know that!

I've prayed in the past that the Lord give me strength to resist temptations and the devil. While this is a good prayer (He is strong in our weakness) I've started to change my prayers. They are now that the Lord reveals the lies of the devil to me. To shine his holy light on the lies Satan tries to feed me everyday so I can know the Truth.

You see, I have voices in my head. Not "crazy" voices. It is actually my voice, but it is a destructive voice. It is the voice that tells me although God does love me I am not worthy yet to be used by him. I'm not good enough, I don't pray enough, I don't read my Bible enough. The voice that puts me down all the time and tells me my life is a lie. That I don't really love God and my motives are impure. The voice that tells me everyone else can see through my mask and knows I'm not truely God's child.

Although this is my voice I'm hearing it is not of God. It is of Satan. God is working to heal me right now and to reveal these lies to me for what they are. The devil tells me these things to hinder my effectiveness for God.

During this process God is not only revealing the lies being whispered to me by the evil one, but He is also revealing things in my life that I've not been willing to face. These are the things that are keeping me from identifying the lies of the evil one. That is where the shame and anger comes in. I've had people in my life hurt me, we all have. But God is revealing to me that I've bottled this anger up and worse yet, held onto it for dear life. I've continued to feed it over the years. It is called unforgiveness. It does not hurt the person who hurt you. It just hurts you more. It keeps me from living my life fully as God intended.

I wish I could say God revealed this to me, I said a prayer and it is gone. No more pent up anger and shame due to unforgiveness in my life. Nope, it is a process. Everyday I ask God to help me, to reveal these things to me. Everyday He does and for the most part things get easier. I have some days I catch myself holding on though, it gives me some perverse pleasure to wallow in the anger. But those days are fewer and farther between now.

The key I'm realizing is to ask God to reveal His Truth in my life, be open to those Truths and embrace them. I must believe, embrace and live the Truth one day at a time.

I recently had someone speak prophecy over me. Of all the encouraging words she gave me, one was that God was going to restore the lost years. Originally I thought she was referring to the eight years just after high school when I turned my back on God. But now I am realizing she is meaning all this time that I've been an ineffective Christian, because I was believing the lies of the enemy and wallowing in self pity, shame and pent up anger. The Lord is revealing his Truth to me and restoring those lost years so I can become the person He intends me to be. One day at a time.

My Monster - Monster Moose

Written for Sunday Scribblings

This is my current monster. Shaun calls him Moose because he is so stocky. He is my loveable, cuddly monster.

Why do I call him my monster? Well, Austin turns two next month (anyone who has ever had a boy that age, understands, I'm sure!) Don't get me wrong. I love him immensely and would do anything to protect him, but he is a MONSTER!!! And he knows it. Unfortunately he knows that he is a CUTE monster.

He loves to make people laugh, so when determining whether he is going to do something he knows he'll get in trouble for, he'll usually look around first to see if he thinks anyone will laugh at him. You see, for Monster Moose (aka Austin) if he can make someone laugh, the punishment is worth it!

You get so frustrated with him, but at the same time you continue to love on him because he is just so darn adorable!!

I guess he's just like his Daddy!!

Speaking of Daddy. Here is an example of our wonderful Monster. He was hitting our couch the other day and scratching it. It is leather so we really did not want Austin doing this. Daddy told him to stop and started counting to three. Austin knows daddy means business when he starts to count. At three he is in BIG TROUBLE!!!

Daddy - "One. . . Two. . ."

At this point Austin stops, looks at daddy and runs around to the back of the couch. (Now the couch is between Daddy and Austin)

"Three, daddy! Three!!" the Monster shouts as he gives the innocent couch one more slap.

At times like this we are at a loss for words or what to do next. Actually I think Daddy was pretty mad, but Mommy had to run out of the room so the Monster did not see the smirk that was creeping across her face or hear the snort that came out of her mouth as she tried not to laugh. I did not want his forthcoming punishment to be rewarded!

What Else I Might Have Been?

A special post for Sunday Scribblings

While thinking about this week’s prompt, I started thinking back to some of the major events and decisions in my life. One of the biggest was walking away and turning my back on the one who has done the most for me in my life. The one who loves me more than anyone else ever could. In high school I decided I knew what was best for my life and turned my back on the Lord. I walked away from my faith and decided to make it on my own.

Obviously, I finally found my way back. It took me awhile, but he never actually left my side. Looking back now I can see multiple times he called to me and I’m amazed at the love and patience he has with all of us.

But I digress; this prompt is about how my life would have been different if I had not made that change back then. The reality of the situation is I have no idea. I can make guesses, but most are probably not even close to what reality for me would have been.

My profession in life may have been very different since I would have consulted with him in prayer regarding my path in college. My extra-curricular activities would have been different as well.

But most of all, my life would probably have been much different because I more than likely would not have married my husband. My husband is not what you would call a Believer. The Bible tells us to not be unequally yoked and there is a very good reason as to why the Lord tells us this. Marriage is difficult enough at times without the hardship of not being able to share the most important belief in your life with your spouse.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my husband very much and do not for a second regret marrying him. He is a wonderful husband and an even more wonderful father to our three beautiful children. However, if I am very honest with myself, I know I would not have started dating him and eventually married him if I had been walking with the Lord.

However, if I ever start to question God’s love and patience for me, all I have to do is look at my wonderful family. Even though I turned my back on the Lord for years and married someone who does not believe in him or trust in him the way I do, he still choose to bless me with a loving husband and a beautiful family. Although it saddens me greatly to have turned from him for all those years (and I strongly encourage everyone else to not ever do so) I can say with 100% sincerity, that I do not regret for a moment having married my husband and started a family with him.

Coming up this Saturday, we'll have been married 11 years. I wish I could say it has been "happily ever after" the whole time, but anyone who is married would know I was lying. It has been rough at times, but love and marriage is about being committed to one another through thick and thin. My faith in the Lord has enabled me to do this with Shaun. That and the fact that when he made us, the Lord gave us both an extra little dash of stubborness. That can be bad in a marriage, but it can also be good when we are both determined to live by the "til death do we part!"

It really is true that the Lord can make all things new and can turn bad things in your life into blessings. We just have to trust him.

Baggage - Sunday Scribblings

Posted for Sunday Scribblings

Baggage. The first thing I think of is the baggage we all carry around with us. This is the stuff we've collected over the years that makes us who we are. Some of it is good, but most of the time what we refer to as "baggage" is not the good stuff we've collected. It is the stuff that holds up back from being who we really want to be, who God intended for us to be.

While determining what to write for this post today I was reading some of the posts others had already written. (You know, to get the creative juices flowing). One post listed some definitions at the top of their post. Baggage Handler was listed as someone hired by the airport to load and unload baggage. That got me to thinking.

We all have this baggage that we refer to and carry around with us, but how many of us recognize the baggage handler? Through our journey in life, the Lord has hired a baggage handler to unload our baggage from us onto him. Most of us are suspicious of this baggage handler though because he may not fit our idea of a baggage handler and therefore continue to drag along our ever increasing amount of baggage. Others know him but do not fully trust him to care for their stuff. We think we can take care of the baggage better ourselves, even though he is trained to do so.

Anyway, just my thoughts. This week think about trusting that baggage handler (Jesus if you've not yet figured it out) and give him your baggage. He is more than willing and able to unload your baggage.

Sunday Scribblings - Bed

Posted for Sunday Scribblings

This week's prompt is "Bed". That's it. Whatever that word brings to mind for us is what we write about. I don't know if it's because we just had a prompt about our earliest memories a couple weeks ago or that I just finished my post for my daddy for Fathers Day, but for some reason the first thing I think of is my first real bed.

It was one of those toddler beds with the sides that go about half way down so you don't fall out. Of course those don't work all that well because as a toddler you end up turned around in your bed or curled in a ball at the end of your bed and then the rails do you no good at all. Luckily, the bed is not very high off the ground.

Mine was painted white and my mother had put nursery rhyme decals on it. The one I remember the most is the old woman in the shoe decal. I loved that bed and felt like such a big girl in it. It was later passed on to my little brother (pictured above).

I now have little ones of my own and have done the toddler bed thing with two of them now. My daughter was so excited when we brought her bed home. She had been sleeping on a mattress on the floor because she had climbed out of her crib one night before we were ready for the transition. We had thought we could at least wait until at least after her 1st birthday, but at about 11 months she climbed right out. It was a few weeks before we found a toddler bed we liked and that was affordable. The first night she was so excited, but she never quite made it into her bed. This is her asleep the first night with her new bed.

This bed has now been passed on to my son (almost 2 years old) when sissy graduated to a twin size bed.

Something else I notice looking at old pictures of my early beds is the weird positions kids sleep in. There is no way I could sleep comfortably like that now. I'd end up with my legs asleep on me and a major kink in my neck. It never ceases to amaze me how little ones sleep in such weird positions and wake up none the worse for it. Have you ever seen a child fall asleep in a car seat? If I fell asleep like that I wouldn't be able to move my head for at least a week!

This picture (along with the naked baby bathtub ones and the one of me with oranges under my shirt at about age four) are the ones that always seemed to make an appearance when mom decided to show my new boyfriends pictures. How embarrasing!

However, as you can see, I've now turned into my mother. I have one of my daughter sleeping like this too! It is just waiting for that first boy to show up at the door. Of course, I think my husband will resort to my father's tactics. He believed embarrasing me was not effective enough. Instead he would decide every gun in the house needing cleaning and would scare the poor boys! I always joke that the only reason I married my husband is because he is the only one that was not afraid of my daddy's guns! In fact, he talked to my dad more that night than he did me.

Well, I guess that is enough walking down memory lane for now. Time to return to present day reality, dirty laundry and all!

Mystery - Sunday Scribblings

Posted for Sunday Scribblings.

If I went to bed tonight and had a vision of standing in heaven's throneroom in front of my Lord, what "mystery" would I ask him to reveal to me?

Well, honestly I would probably fall on my face in awe and my brain would be empty of any desires to know any mysteries that intrigue me currently. (Have you ever heard that song "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe?) But, if I was actually able to open my mouth and ask a question instead of singing praises to God I would not ask him about how something works or some other great mystery. My question would be about the future.

I would like to know if and when my beloved husband will come to know the Lord. And I'd like to know how my three precious children will turn out when they are adults. But that would take away all need for faith and hope. Therefore, I guess in the end I would not want to be told this anyway. (I'm someone who does NOT peak at her Christmas or Birthday gifts because it will ruin the surprise!)

I guess my second choices would be to know what heaven will truely be like because I know our imaginations are no where near accurate or grand enough. Or I would want to know what I need to do to ensure I am a good parent and wife. How can I avoid the mistakes I know I'll make in both departments (or have already made!)?

Not real exciting but that would be my "mystery"!

Earliest Memory

Written for Sunday Scribblings (one day late!)

My earliest memory is actually just auditory, not visual. When I think back on this I don't remember what house we lived in, the color of the walls in our dining area or even what my father looked like at the time. I just remember his voice and his words.

I don't remember what we were eating at the time, but I was about 4 years old and had something on my plate that I did not want to eat. I was not allowed to get up from the table until my plate was empty. I remember sitting at the table sometimes for hours after the rest of my family was done.

This time I remember my father telling me to eat the things I don't like first and to save the best for last! Although I cannot picture the scene in my head, I do clearly remember his voice and his words and to this day I remember this and live by it. Not only when I'm eating, but in all I do. When I have a list of items to complete for the day, I save the best for last and get the items I dread doing the most done first. You get through things so much faster that way because you have something to look forward to.

I also still do this when eating. I was a daddy's girl growing up and daddy loved Lucky Charms. I do too. When I eat a bowl I eat the cereal first and then save the marshmallows for last. That is me saving the best for last! Of course I then eat the marshmallows by color, but I think that is just the anal accountant in me!

First Love

Posted for Sunday Scribblings

I put a lot of thought into this one and almost decided not to write this week. Not to say that I did not have a first love, I truely did. But what do I write about that would really be worthy of this subject.

1. My first 'puppy' love - Brian Butler in kindergarten
2. My first love when I was racing barrels in junior high - I met him again later when I was in college and realized I was more in love with his horse, Power than I was with him.
3. My first love in high school - that one was a huge disappointment

In the end I decided to write about one of my first loves that means more to me than anything in this world. I met my husband in high school and we started dating our Senior year. While he was my first 'true' love, he gave me three gifts that truely showed me what 'love at first sight' meant. In fact he has taught me this three times.

The first was on June 6, 2001 when our beautiful daugther was born. I'd heard others talk about what a miracle birth is and the feelings you have when you first hold your baby in your arms, however until you actually do so, you don't truely understand the depth or the preciousness of these feelings! It is hard to even describe in words. It is the ultimate definition of love at first sight.

Immediately, you have feelings so strong that you would do anything to protect and create a good life for this little bundle that is laid in your arms. No matter what anyone says, newborns are NOT cute. Especially the first time you lay eyes on them. They are slimly and usually a bit deformed looking. But at that moment you do not see any of this. All you see if this beautiful baby that is a part of you and that is totally dependent upon you and your heart fills with love to a capacity you never thought possible.

Then I think of the fact that what the Lord feels for me (and always has) is so much greater than what I feel when I look at my little ones. I am 'slimy' with all the sin in my life, but he does not see any of this. He sees someone who he created and loves me unconditionally no matter what.

My little ones are not only my first love, but also make me appreciate so much more how the Lord feels for me. That is a gift in and of itself!

I've now learned what love at first sight is three times, the most recent just 3 weeks ago. It is an amazing feeling!

The Books I would write. . .

This week's Sunday Scribblings.

This is my first time to write for Sunday Scribblings. I was going to do so last week, but my little one came two weeks early and I ended up in the hospital when I was planning to write. But now I have a new baby at home who is sleeping right now and I LOVE this week's subject.

The books I would write would be historical novels. Specifically biblical historical novels. Lately I've noticed a lot of these on the shelves at bookstores and I've really enjoyed the ones I've read. You get a good story to read and can compare it back to scripture and do some bible study at the same time.

While doing my bible reading lately I've come across many stories in the bible that are just briefly touched on that I believe would make wonderful novels if expanded on.

Here are some of my ideas:

1. Acts 10 - Story of Peter and Cornelius. Cornelius is a Roman army officer who calls for Peter. Before his servant contacts Peter, Peter has a dream in which God speaks to him and tells him the good news is not only for the Jews but for the Gentiles as well. Once Cornelius' servant arrives, Peter goes back with him to Cornelius' home and the entire family is saved.

2. Jesus' miracles - There are tons of stories in the gospels that could be expanded on. Just take any of Jesus' miracles and write about the person whose life he touched. This would be telling the "behind the scenes" story of this person before they met Jesus and their lives were changed forever. I could either write separate novels on different individuals OR I could write one novel with a bunch of shorter stories that expand on a number of individuals.

• Matthew 8 - Jesus heals a leper. "Lord," the man said, "if you want to , you can make me well again." Jesus touched him, "I want to," he said. "Be healed!" (Matthew 8:2-3)

3. Noah - I think this would be a fun one to do. But instead of telling it from Noah's perspective I'd like to write it from the perspective of various individuals around him. His wife, his sons, his daughther-in-laws or even those who ridiculed him and ended up perishing when the rains came.

There are tons of these that I could do. The more I read, the more ideas I come up with!

Another story I would love to write would be about a woman named Amy ("Beloved") and is a love story. In the story Amy represents humankind and the man in the story represents God. No matter how much Amy runs from this man and no matter what she does with her life, he continues to pursue and woo her. He is willing to forgive her from anything she has done as long as she willing turns to him and loves him. He loves her unconditionally, even though she may feeel worthless at times due to her past experiences (self-inflicted and those she had no control over).

Here is the first paragraph I've written so far on this one. (I've shared it in a previous blog)

In His Eyes